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You know, I was hoping my first contribution to the log would be a pleasant one. “It’s spring in Canada. The Birches are greening. There’s Robins are nesting in the Spruce in the front yard and the Racoons are humping under the deck in the back yard”.
But it is not to be.
It was a nice day today, and all of the above could have been happening, but…
You see, my work here involves a lot of driving on the highways in and around Toronto at least 3 hours in the day. Toronto drivers are the worst. I mean, cut you off by inches, drive on the shoulder, 90 mph*, cell phone talkin’ nose pickin’ assholes that think they are the Omega Man** . The only person left alive in the city and the highways are for them and them alone. It’s like downtown Manhattan except most of the cars have “GO LEAFS GO” flags on there windows. It happens everyday. This is one of the reasons that hand gun controls are so strict here. The 400 series of highways would be littered with bodies.
My problem is I can’t vent. I drive a big blue van with a BELL CANADA logo and a number #####. I want to, but I can’t. My Boss would be on the phone,” Someone called in because ##### gave them a dirty look” or” ##### gave them the finger” or “##### threw a large coffee all over the windshield of their speeding vehicle. Blah blah blah. I don’t need it. I just hold the wheel maintain my composer and tell myself I am better than they are.
But I’m not.
I have a fantasy I run through my head. It’s called, “The Sharpie”.
I’m driving moderate traffic as usual, at a decent speed, let’s say 60 mph*. I hear some thumping. Irritating, heavy beats close together. I am reminded of the Doppler Effect when a red Honda Civic with over sized rims with a Whale Tail on the back (think about it) shoots in front of me with inches to spare. I see him, male, 20 to 23 years old. He’s on the cell talking to Mommy telling her he thinks he’s going to graduate (middle school) and he needs gas money.
In a second he’s gone. Up the left shoulder, throwing up sand left from the winter and blinding the drivers in his wake. BUT WAIT!!!!!
What’s that! Smoke up ahead! I see a car, red, rolling end over end, five, maybe ten times! Terrible! The horror! The humanity! I slow and pull over. Strangely, the rest of the traffic doesn’t seem to care? Look! It’s my “drive like I don’t give a fuck” buddy! His broken, battered body is hanging half out of the wreckage that used to be his car (likely given to him by his rich parents for losing a tooth) What should I do? His eyes open from behind is backward Nike baseball cap. I hear a strained “Help me!!!” I look down at his pathetic broken body, reach into my pocket and draw my Sharpie. On his forehead I write “I DROVE LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT ON THE HIGHWAY”
I return to my vehicle and drive away.
I have yet to see if the above makes me feel better.
Please don’t think badly of me.
Rob
*converted from KPH
**Movie with Charlton Heston (before the NRA) Circ 1971. Watch it.
Holy f*ck dude... good times. I got a bag of mcdonalds thrown at the rav once. That pissed me off, but then I was like damn cuz? what the hell do I care? Its a rav four!
Anyways... good venting. I want to hear your perspective on the weather.
I'm glad you thought of drawing something on their face....that's initally what I was thinking would be the most appropriate thing to do. Only I'd paint a Captin Morgan Mustache on him too, then leave the sharpie sticking outta his nose. Cheers!
Posted by: brett at May 3, 2004 10:29 PMrob, were you perhaps wearing a cape or costume of some sort in this fantasy? some stupid bitch put a sign on my car that read "please park so two cars may fit in this space." really slut? like i hadn't thought of that?!? actually, if i backed up two more inches i'd be covering your driveway, then i think your sign would be a little different, now wouldn't it.
jeremie, you drive like an old woman, i'd throw my mcdonald's at you too...but only after i'd eaten the fries.
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