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don't leave. |
so while we're bitching about work.....or wait, we weren't bitching about work? well let me start then.....
people in my office have the worst laughs, (shut up missy and get a real problem, you may say)..... this is something i noticed before, but lately it has been weighing on me since these people (staff and talent) INSIST on building each other up by laughing at their mediocre anecdotes and far-fetched stories. case in point, one of the "booth directors" (people who record the talent's voiceover audition) is this short little man who walks in everyday at noon, with a subway bag containing two 6 inch subs. dude, just get ONE foot long. well anyway, he's not funny. not even remotely. but he thinks that a lot of things are funny.
prime example, he was relaying the side splitting tale of the Jewish Seder dinner. Passover, hilarous. so he laughs. and laughs. takes a moment, then laughs again. he doesn't have the machine gun laugh, but he does have the 'grasping for air' laugh. his sharp "haaa" is followed by a painful, riveted inhale. he's like a dyslexic donkey. talent practically run out of the booth as he relentlessly tries to finish a pathetically average story. he starts the story while they're trapped in the confines of the recording booth, but he can't finish b/c he keeps hee hawing his way to the punchline. since the talent don't listen to him, he naturally subjects any coworker within a ten foot radius to his drabbery. if no one can muster a sympathy laugh or comment he escalates own "laughter" to the point of hyperventilation... thinking that everyone will catch on and burst into hysterics over something such as titillating as his morning commute.
then there's the receptionist. her standards for humor are far above the little man, far above par. she can even tell a joke and relay a humorous story. unfotunately her laugh is atrocious. you know how sometimes you laugh so hard that start choking and all the blood rushes to your head and you're not sure you'll be able to breathe ever again? hers is sort of like that, but all the time. it sounds uber painful, like she's trying to pass a stone. i can't imagine heading to the comedy cellar with her, i'd have to hide out in the bathroom all night for fear the spotlight would constantly be on our table. the first time i heard it, i seriously thought that something horrible had happened and she was doubled over in mental agony. but no, someone told her a knock knock joke. on the plus side, she thinks i'm hilarious. she's definitely good for the self esteem. i'll mildly tell a story about the weekend or make fun of the talent and she's clutching her stomach w/ her eyes are poppin out of her head. plus you can hear the intensity 25 feet down the hall. it's like a damn air-raid siren.....
an average morning includes the "hilarious" cackle of the second booth director. the booths are supposed to be fairly "soundproof", however her witch laugh can always be heard piercing through the padded walls. imagine the warner bros. cartoon character "witch hazel", but elevate it 20 decibles and mix it with a horror movie scream track. please please please, no one tell anymore "jokes". every day.
then there's the assistant who just doesn't laugh. someone will say something genuinely funny. she'll follow the whole story, but only reply with an emphatic "oh my gosh that's sooo funny." you think she's quite possibly bullshitting you, b/c she can't utter a "ha ha ha". but no, that's all you get and she's serious. "oh wow, that's funny." it's dry, serious, in your face, and quite unsatisfactory (if you're the comedian of the moment). i don't get it. i think maybe i've heard her laugh once. very briefly, probably an accident. this is the same assistant who loves to divulge every possible aspect of her life to anyone around....especially after she's just heard something "totally funny". she's remarkably down to earth and very nice, but she's the queen of TMI..... at this point i could chalk up a very detailed biography of her life spanning ages 15 to 31. something i will refrain from doing, but may use later on in future stories.
her agent sucks balls too. atleast twice a week i want to slap him across the face b/c he's such a f*cking baby. he doesn't laugh much either, but on the off chance that he does tell a joke he pratically walks around beating his chest b/c he's so proud of his superior wit. if he needs something he'll shout it repeatedly until someone completes his request or informs him that, "she's in the bathroom," "she isn't here right now," "she's on the phone," "fedex doesn't do late pick ups for cocks like you." okay so the last one was my addition, but i soooo want to say it one day. the laugh-impotent assistant is a glorified babysitter. patting, burping, diaper changing and all. the sad thing is that she falls for it...every day, 11 hours a day, she runs all over the earth for him. i don't see the mutual benefit. hmm maybe i'm just a really bad assistant. and she's a good one. a good one that doesn't know how to laugh. that's enough to make me quit.
i recognize that people could very well make fun of my laugh, except that i don't really laugh at work. in fact i can't say that i've genuinely laughed outloud in a very long time here. probably one of the reasons that i'm currently not the happiest employee. you see, these putty colored walls that i'm surrounded by haven't been to the improv lately, and neither have any of my coworkers. so there ain't no jokes bein' told. however i must say that random hilarious emails from my friends elicit the "church" laugh syndrome.... you know, kinda like when you're in a conference or some place formal and someone tells you an amusing tidbit, but you have to stifle the laugh and end up shaking and shoking on your own breath, so you start snorting and people around turn to stare, but it just looks like you're having a minor seizure, so to rectify the problem you start coughing and laughing at the same time, like you have a funny cold. yeah that's happened a few times.
damnit i should record these things. end rant.
Posted by missy at May 17, 2004 12:08 PMHave you seen the BBC series "The Office"? It sounds exactly like that. I watched an episode or two with my friend Matt - it was painful to watch most of the time because it is so true to life.
Posted by: liz at May 17, 2004 12:52 PMI think i live in your bizarro world b/c no one at my office EVER laughs. I'm filled with an environment of blank stares and ultra boring chit chat. People would prefer to spend their time talking about how to slipt a steak and make half of it rare and the other half well done. oooh nice, i guess i wasn't smart enough to figure i could just cut the steak in 2 and cook one longer than the other. cool, thanks for the tips, i'll be sure to write that in my journal along with your awesome advice on how to properly water your fern. A-MAZING and always educational. come to think of it now i know why no one is laughing.
i could stand to hear a machine gun HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-AH-HAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH laugh right now.
Posted by: Mina Adibpour at May 17, 2004 1:48 PMliz, i've defintely heard of "the office" and desperately want to see it. only i can't afford cable at the moment b/c i decided to join a gym instead. stop laughing. in hindsight, i realize it was a tragically misjudged decision. my fat parts had taken over my brain. it's definitely on my "must see" list.
mina, i feel for ya. when you're cutting that steak in half, make sure it's a properly sharpened knife, don't want to lose any goodness. ferns don't need too much water and they prefer indirect light. put that in their pipe and smoke it. GOOD LUCK!
Posted by: missy at May 17, 2004 5:17 PM
Moooohahahah..Mooohahahah
That's my Dr. Evil imitation. I save it for when my girls have there friends for lunch. "How's about some grilled cheeze?
"Moooohahahah..Mooohahahah"
snicker.
Posted by: jeremie at May 17, 2004 9:15 PMhope none of your work 'pals' read this :P AHHHH HAAAAAAAA COUGH HAAA AHH HAHAHAHAH HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Posted by: Justin at May 19, 2004 5:07 AMMissy - an alternative to cable (I don't have it either) if you have a dvd player - netflx - at half the cost of cable, it is great - you can rent all your favorite tv series from it and watch all the episodes at once - no waiting around for next week. That way you don't get sucked into the Trading Spaces marathon and wonder where your weekend went. (Plus no annoying commercials)
Posted by: liz at May 19, 2004 2:29 PMooh yeah, some of my coworkers were talking about that, i'll have to check it out, although i'm notoriously lazy when it comes to returning things. one cool thing about my office is that we have a department that records shows etc. as needed for employees and clients. so we get current movies/shows etc. and can just send in requests for them.
downside, i don't friggin have a VCR, only DVD. so it's a catch 22. i usually just watch them at work. such as the bachelor, yep i'm missing it tonight and thoroughly distraught b/c i need my fill of bad television. i'll just have to get the tape and watch it tomorrow!
Posted by: missy at May 19, 2004 4:59 PMMissy, you are the funniest person alive.
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