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News Flash 12/20/04: IT'S FUCKING COLD OUTSIDE. STAY INDOORS!
Apparently I'm the only one who has noticed, but it's colder than a witch's tit out there. I mean seriously, this kind of cold is absurd. I have no clue how our ancestors kept the will to live in their cold log shacks, equipped only with a few twigs and a deerskin...not even a space heater or polar fleece. how did they do it?!?!?
i'm back in VA, as you can tell, and i'm not loving the below freezing temperatures. Tammy (oldest sister) and I threw a party on sunday and went ALL out. there was tons of food, tons of cheer and even more decor. well right when the guests were to arrive, the temperature plummeted 25 degrees and it began sleeting and snowing violently. AWESOME. thanks g-o-d. so basically, only a fraction of the guests made it and we were forced to eat everyone's portions. *and they were deelicious.*
so the following day, the wind continued to howl and the mercury didn't even rise past 20 degrees (about 5 degrees w/ wind chill). around 6 PM, i managed to pile on 20 layers and head out to the always-classy walmart for a few misc xmas items. WORST DECISION EVER. from the second i left the cocoon of warmth, i counted how many seconds i could survive until my extremities lost all sensation. around second six, i was sure my arms and face had dislodged from my body. so naturally, i started squealing.
walmart was a complete shithole. i feel guilty for cheating on target, and vow never to do it again. the mega-shit-store had nothing that i desired and it was crawling with the lower echelon of humanity. so did i buy anything? of course. which meant waiting in line for about two days. i peered down the row of crappy, overflowing registers and finally chose the self-checkout line. stupid.
it turns out that complete idiots like to try new things at the most inconvenient times. i strongly believe that the self checkout line should be divided even further into "tech savvy" and "tech RETARDED". once you fail to check all of your items in under two minutes, you are laden with a scarlet "R" on your credit card and evicted from the savvy line for eternity. too elaborate? yeah, i thought so.
the good news is that God did in fact crank up the heat. the temperature is currently 33 degrees at midnight on tuesday and there's a delightful rumor that it may reach 50 degrees tomorrow...hooray!!!
now blog damnit....our performance has been weak people. three days til santa's sleigh arrives!
ahhhhh, thank you for reminding me and or verifing that I made the right choice this year to stay in sunny california for Christmas. While I miss the snow...I don't miss the freezing cold and tards at walmart.
Posted by: brett at December 22, 2004 9:37 AMwalmart is a shithole. I can't believe that place convinces so many people to shop there. Target is better and you should be ashamed for cheating.
as for the cold... i LOVE it.. though with my brother now gone there is literally nothing to do but sit here.. and look out the window.
Posted by: jeremie at December 22, 2004 1:03 PMColder that a witch's tit. It makes me think, how cold is a witch's tit? Why do we suppose that witch's have colder tits than anyone else?
I have lived in cold winters all my life and I was thinking of the some of the terms used to describe the cold:
Colder that brass balls
colder than a well-digger's ass in January
colder than North pole
Colder Than Death
anyone???
Posted by: rob at December 23, 2004 2:51 PM25? I'm in northern Indiana right now. I leave 72 while in shorts and a T-shirt and come to -10 (-35 wind chill) after 36 hours of travelling hell..... :P
Posted by: Pete at December 24, 2004 11:10 PMpete wins...
colder than brass balls. nice. haven't heard of that one.
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