extreme home makeover

i'm bored. and when i'm bored (and/or unemployed), i try to get creative. normally that means painting is involved and lots of late hours. unfortunately, late hours don't work so well since granny becky and jeremie "work" and fall asleep a bit early for my slacker taste....the lady of the house was snoring on the couch by 10:25 tonight. in fact, i'm waiting for jeremie to walk out and tell me to "turn my music down" pretty soon (it's not loud).

wow, my point: i am channeling ty pennington. becky and jeremie were planning to paint their bedroom last weekend, only i drove my ass up here and crashed the party, taaa-daaaaaaa! what a wonderful present. and since my life has absolutely no worth or purpose right now, i decided to extend my trip and take on their project. besides, i love spending other people's money in the name of something wonderful.

bad news: their color swatches varied from "unimpressive" to "eh". but hey, it's not my room...after meeting up with jeremie, brett and jason for lunch yesterday, i stopped by Osh to pick up the paint. Dutch Boy...i hate that paint (too thick). well the gods were shining down on me and the paint mixer ended up being broken. even badder news: the next nearest Osh was in some town the employee couldn't pronounce. i didn't test his intelligence by asking him to repeat it. however, in clear english he said the mixer would be repaired by the end of the day. well it was 1:30 PM and i wasn't waiting. dialed up jeremie..."hey please pick up the paint on your way home and don't forget some sandpaper."

i head to their place and actually take a look at the walls. woah, they suck. holes, divets, cracks, random marks, crown molding.....this will be more difficult than imagined. not to mention they have ten foot ceilings. i'm five foot seven and they have a plastic step stool maxing out at eight inches. not gonna happen. the molding lines the room around 8 feet so that's where the paint will stop. i moved some furniture around, taped off the room and waited for the necessary supplies. nada. 7:30 PM rolled around and jeremie came home empty handed. the Osh employee had lied to me and jeremie was annoyed at the lack of paint so he forgot the sandpaper. boooo. next step, "hey jer can you finish taping of the last little part of the room and make sure to move your minor furniture out too, thanks?

well apparently they thought ABC would be rolling in to take care of the rest. as usual, i finally fell asleep late, counting off the numerous anxiety ridden tasks that keep me awake these days, and woke up to the blaring sunrise and sounds of becky and jeremie getting ready (definitely around 7:15 AM). as i dozed in and out, becky calls out for me to help her move the bed...piss off, i'm sleepin'. "are you sure?" zzz zzzzzzzzzz zzzzz. becky moseys out to work around 8. by 9:30 i'd already received a call from an L.A. friend, summing up the morning radio show and a few emails. damn you working people!

i threw myself off the couch by 10 and set off to prep the bedroom. i walked into their room and felt like a parent coming home to see the sweet destruction of their teenager's raging party the night before. only there was no destruction, it was the exact opposite. EVERYTHING WAS EXACTLY WHERE I'D LEFT IT. full glasses of water on upright bedside tables, rugs laid out, alarm clocks and lamps plugged in, and a big fat bed in the middle. HELP ME OUT PEOPLE!!!

okay i know the bed thing was my fault b/c i couldn't move at 7:45 AM, but they were clearly expecting helper-fairies and gnomes to show up chanting a catchy tune. grumpily, i gathered everything up, ripped plugs out of walls and moved the thousand pound bed and dresser to reveal the largest colony of dust bunnies this side of the rocky mountains. calling mr. swiffer. i started searching their garage for paint brushes, sand paper etc. negative on the brushes. negative on the sandpaper. ack! but i DID find a travel mug of moldy coffee. sick. everyone will be pleased to know, i ended up spilling that all over myself and the single paint roller i found.

by 11:30 i was showered and out the door with directions to the Marin OSH as well as Home Depot. I checked out the maps online and was all set b/c hey, i'm a smart girl and don't usually have a problem with directions. (*foreshadowing*)

"you should be there in 20 minutes" was jeremie's comment the night before. i crossed the golden gate, passed through san rafael and by 20 minutes was looking for I-580 Richmond Bridge/Francisco BLVD.... i see "Detour - Richmond Bridge" off the 101. well clearly that's similar. WRONG. it was the "shortcut" directly to the damn bridge. this apparently overshot my exit. halfway across the mile high mass of steel and bolts i dial jeremie.... no answer. damnit.

Richmond has a ghetto. guess how i found that one out? when i passed by a condemned building displaying a "GOMPERS HIGH SCHOOL" sign, i felt it was time to turn around and hit the gas. do ghettos not believe in naming their institutions after dead presidents and war heros?

jeremie calls back "uh yeah, don't go over the bridge"....no shit? he provides another set of directions and an incorrect projected amount for the toll i would have to pay to re-enter society. i was supposed to go to OSH, but i saw Home Depot on the horizon. done. finding a similar swatch shouldn't be hard. i stood there analyzing swatches when i was overwhelmed by the smell of boiled hot dog. ew.

(note to readers: i don't eat hot dogs anymore. probably because i consumed about 4,000 of them when i was a child. cooked and/or uncooked - i loved all pig n cow parts. however, if it's a corn dog, that's another story...mmmm, corndogs).

sure enough, i slowly peered behind me to see a frizzy-haired little girl, smiling in a cart, with remains of an exploded hot dog on her face. her loving mum had wheeled her up right behind me so she could get a better look at the disney paint swatches. yesssssss. amidst the hot dog schrapnel it appeared as though lil blondie also lost a fight with the condiment stand. right about now, she squawked at her keeper who exclaimed "OH YOU ATE ALL OF THE HOT DOG!" i hate to break it to ya mom, but i don't quite think she ate it, so much as tested it's smearability. i'd recommend the semi-gloss for her room...cleans easier.

forty bucks later, i'm back in the car with assorted sandpaper, brushes and a tub of beige paint...i'm sorry, Parisian Taupe. i chose it b/c i liked the name...and b/c becky and jeremie didn't answer their phones when i called to confirm a base preference. either way, it looked like their shitty Dutch Boy swatch. they were thankful.

1:30 PM and i'm back on the road - thoroughly directionally challenged...i totally know where to go. wait a minute, no i don't, i took a detour to get here, nothing looks familiar. shit. 580 West, that makes sense. done. "Marin/San Rafael" right two lanes. ah crap...cut over two lanes, thinking i'm getting on the highway. nope. it was a damn real exit. shit. okay...circle circle...back on the highway. wait i'm heading 101 Norh. EUREKA. no no no. get off. head south - 580/Richmond/Francisco. wait, that's the Richmond Bridge up ahead. NOOOOOOOOOOOO. damnit. turn around. 101 N - Lucas Road. ah fuck, definitely the wrong way. call becky. "uh yeah, you're going the wrong way." turn BAAACK around, cursing myself... all while leaving disgruntled messages for friends in L.A... finally becky calls and directs me to the yellow brick road back home. roooad rage.

see this didn't have to be an issue. i was fine taking 580 to oakland then cutting back over the bay bridge to get home, but noooo, i decided earlier that i wanted to go shopping at The Village in San Rafael. sometimes i hate myself.

after some minor retail therapy and NIN on the dial i was right as rain. at 3 PM, i crossed the golden gate and started spackling, sanding and wiping down the walls. don't worry, in the process i managed to knock over two glasses of water, wrap myself around cords, hit myself in the face and choke on wall dust. but the happy couple was able to come home to an almost complete first layer of paint. they even got me a beer. jeremie lightened the mood by lamenting after this whole mini-debacle played out, "oh yeah and i just remembered there's a sherman williams right around the corner." *smack*

i shall be up with the sun again to apply the second coat and finish the job. i love removing the tape. i hope it looks less "taupe-y" and more "awesome" when done. i apologize to those (if any) who read to the end of this blog. it's seems terribly wordy and un-entertaining (refer to: i-have-nothing-better-to-do).

who's up for something fun tonight?!? it's 1:50 AM, way to jump the gun miss.

Posted by missy at May 12, 2005 12:19 AM