time to take medical advice?

against my conscience's better judgement, i made an appointment to have my cholesterol checked tomorrow morning. some recent prolonged chest pain made me remember that i'm getting a bit "long in the tooth" (as jeremie likes to put it), so maybe it's time to actually start paying attention to precisely how i'm destroying my body. lame and totally a waste of time, right?

for reasons relatively unknown, i've had high cholesterol since i was a teenager. my mom raised my sisters and i on rather healthy, no-soda-no-koolaid-healthy-treats-sit-down-dinner, diets. which is quite commendable, albeit to this day i still find nothing more frustrating than trying to mix natural peanut butter into an acceptable consistency. *oil sploosh*

then my sisters graduated from high school and it all went to hell. by then we were the place to be on the block...fridge(s) were always brimming with delicious sodas and there was usually a bag or two of doritos and cookies to accompany that. my mom was too busy working and had given up on her hippie healthy days. so i came home from school and fired up a few celeste pizzas with neighbors. every. day. high cholesterol,whaaaaaat?

i finally got off my ass in high school and became a JV/Varsity rower, which i assumed reversed the digestive damage i had incurred during puberty. NOPE. over the next decade i watched as these fictitious levels continually jumped. college was a catalyst. four years of swigging cases of Busch Ice, in between shoving down fistfuls of calzones and burrito buggy. i'm really not sure how i refrained from eating buckets of pure lard. (needless to say, i was a really pretty girl in college...."why dont my pants fit anymore?????????")

post higher learning, i dropped 20 pounds and took my health seriously! switched to hard liquor, started yoga and incorporated vegetables. MORE than doing my part, but did my body thank me?

"....well missy it looks like your HDL is just too low and that LDL, well i just dont know what to do with you....." "well you're a filthy liar, i know that much doc!" *LAUNCH PLAN B*

so i switched to wine and started eating some fish. that DEFINITELY has to be good enough!!!

"...this is getting serious, you've now peaked at 270 missy, this is not good...." "SONOFABITCH, STOP LYING." *LAUNCH PLAN C*

so i tried choking down some oatmeal regularly, but for only a possible 20 point LDL reduction that shit just didn't seem worth it. bleck. *PLAN C - OBVIOUS FAILURE* *LAUNCH PLAN D*

so, i gave up. other than trying some absurdly overpriced vitamins and Dannon live-plant-sterole shots, i completely let myself go...and now i'm lethargic and have random chest pains. *PLAN D - COMMENCING ULTIMATE DESTRUCTION - SUCCESS*

so here we are again. much like flossing before a dentist appointment, i often consume a bunch of vegetables the night before my cholesterol checkups. both acts are completely futile, but vital for the self esteem.

well, i've been out of town and haven't been grocery shopping in at least three weeks. to make matters worse, tonight i came home and plopped down on the couch instead of embarking on an invigorating walk to the beach. around 8pm i dragged myself to the fridge to start my veggie binge. uh oh.

fridge contents:
block of cheddar cheese
bag of shredded cheese blend
parmesan cheese
cream cheese
butter
milk
BACON
eggs
one left over enchilada
cherry jello
grapefruit juice/gatorade

*holy shit, surely i didn't buy all of this!* <--- i did

freezer contents:
pizza(s)
eggo waffles
pie
old bag of brussel sprouts

*aaah christ!*

so. i did what i had to do. grabbed the bowl of fresh cherry jello and a big ole spoon, then sat my ass on the couch and watched a re-run of "the new adventures of old christine." every day i come closer and closer to becoming our very own completely hopeless bridget jones. wish me luck talblog!

-your favorite spinster

Posted by missy at August 7, 2008 10:42 PM